


Make Me Feel

by Brianna182



Series: A Derek Morgan and Spencer Reid love story [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Brief nondescript mention of murder, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape, Smut, and
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 13:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17305898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brianna182/pseuds/Brianna182
Summary: When a case brings up memories Derek would rather forget he struggles to not let them take over him completely. And when he fails not to fall apart is soon begging Spencer for the safety he knows only he can provide.





	Make Me Feel

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This work is written for mature audiences as it contains smut, mentions of rape and other nsfw materials. Reader discretion is advised. Also obviously i do not own any rights to any characters mentioned in this fic and the only thing that is solely mine is the story. Also you don't have to have read previous works in this series to read this. They are for the most part unrelated Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid mostly hurt/comfort fanfics that i just put in a series because they all follow the same ship.

Contrary to what people expect my sex life with Morgan isn’t exactly what you’d call typical. We each have our role to play, rules both spoken and unspoken and things we are willing to experiment with as well as clear lines we both know not to cross. But its not as simple as that either.  
Balancing our desires and want with our insecurities and past trauma can be difficult but like all things in life can be worked around.  
For example Morgan is too triggered and traumatized by his past to bottom and that is something I completely understand and am fine with. But just because he always tops doesn’t necessarily mean he is always the dominant, as that’s where our sex life becomes a little different from the norm.  
See we don’t have sex often as it is. Myself, I am asexual and honestly don’t desire sex often, if at all. And that works for Morgan as I am the first male he has been intimate with other then Buford whose abuse and sexual assault ultimately lead to him being less sexually attracted to males despite his bisexuality. This resulted in him taking a longer time to open himself up to being sexual with me even with the trust he has in me. This is something I expected with the knowledge I had of his past, so from the beginning of our relationship we took it slow and it was a journey for the both of us to develop as a couple and get closer until eventually we had sex for the first time - my first time with a male and Morgan’s first time consensually with one and it was a real positive move forward. And since then while are sexual encounters are few and far between, it is what best fits our desires and our busy and often varied work timetable.  
It did take a while for us both to warm up to the idea of intimacy but over time working our way up from just making out, to chaste touching and then on to more intimate relations, it soon came naturally and when we do have sex it is almost always myself being the submissive one and Derek being the dominant; lustful and strong yet gentle and trusting.  
But sometimes our roles are reversed. Not out of experimentation or a desire on my side to be dominate but out of necessity and the need to be there for Morgan when he needs me the most.  
See sometimes no matter how hard Morgan fights it, his past takes a toll and his mental health suffers because of it. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it either happens slowly over time (although this is rare) or more commonly it happens via a trigger no one can really prevent and once its occurred its too late to stop, only fix and it took a while to discover how.  
What we discovered to bring him out of his flashbacks before he is too far-gone is by facing his insecurity’s head on by initiating sex where I am the dominant one. During this he learns he is safe and begins to come out of the dark his past has dragged him back into.  
How this works is a bit hard to explain but I guess it all comes down to the fact having sex with him while he is particularly vulnerable and being the dominant in the act, while also ensuring the experience is enjoyed and safe gives him something to distract his mind from. This also proves that even when submissive and vulnerable, like he was when he was a child and taken advantage of, he is still safe and can even face what would otherwise be a major trigger, but is turned into a good experience once its made clear he is in a loving trusting situation.  
Tonight will likely end in myself being the dominant as while sometimes this is required as Morgan’s mental health declines slowly, for the most part it occurs when we have the odd disturbing case that hits a little too close to home.  
Morgan will be professional and macho like always until we go home where he will cry and beg me for the safety he trusts that I can provide, wanting more then anything to be distracted and each time it breaks my heart. But today while i suspect it to be similar to past experiences I have had to comfort him I also fear it possibly being harder then normal to overcome.  
Why? Because for the first time in history he broke down at work in front of others and this can only be a bad sign for things to come.  
He does everything he possibly can to ensure this doesn’t happen as he hates to be seen as weak, so breaking so publically meant to me that this was more then your average triggering case and that the down fall would be worse then ever. And I feared for him and his sanity as the heart-breaking situation has only just began.  
It all happened so quickly.  
Hotch and Morgan were interrogating an unsub - an older man who went to anonymous support groups for rape survivors and who chose male rape survivors in the 20s to 30s to rape again before killing them and dumping there body out on the streets like trash.  
We had profiled him as getting off on traumatizing those who had already been through a trauma and chose his victims because they were more likely to be easier to control then those who hadn’t been victims in the past. We also suspected while uncommon that he had been a victim of sexual assault by a male when he was younger. And that he felt the need to abuse others like he had been abused and felt masculine and dominant when doing so and never felt this outside of committing his crimes.  
This all proved to be right upon finding his name and a quick background search. Although even with finding his name early on, the case has been a rather long one, as right as we discovered what linked all the past victims (being the support groups) he caught on to our discovery and fled before we could apprehend him. From there bodies kept showing up all of past rape victims but with no connection to any previous victims or the unsub. None of the victims had ever attended support groups and some of them hadn’t even reported their rape other then to close family or friends, hence why we connected their deaths to the others after a quick family interview. So this obviously made it harder to track him especially now that he new we were onto him.  
We managed to apprehend him because of the small comfort zone he killed in and the fact he was also way too confident and impulsive, both classic psychopathic traits. This ultimately resulted in him getting sloppy and thinking he could get away with it, leading to a mistake left at the dumping ground of his last victim that lead right to him. It was an unusual case that was for sure but Derek handled it well and was actually the one who caught the Unsub, hand cuffed him and put him in the back of the police car. All of this was done with out any negative emotion over taking him, like even some of the other members of our team do with out a personal connections to crimes committed by the Unsub, or similarity’s between themselves and the victims. So with Derek’s composure myself and the rest of the team naively thought Morgan was coping with this case fine like always and in retrospect I think he was.  
The turning point from where things went from fine to the polar opposite all happened during the interrogation. And it all happened so fast there was really no way Morgan could have prepared for what was to come, as no one would have predicted the outcome that came or the response Derek had to it. And by the time it had happened it was too late to take back or fix and I new Morgan had a rough time ahead of him considering his first public breakdown and the gravity of it all.  
Morgan had started taking the mans confession about the first few murders where all the victims were from a number of different support groups he attended to find his targets.  
After those Hotch jumped in to ask what we all wanted to know.  
“Tell me. After you figured out we were onto you and new where you were getting victims. How did you find your next victims as they all had a history of being sexually assaulted yet we are still yet unable to find a connection between them and yourself?”  
“Well you and I aren’t that different Agent Hotchner. In your line of work as a profiler you learn how to identify different types of people by analyzing there behavior, there choice of words and a long list of other small things we don’t realize we do that tells a lot about ourselves. You know how to tell if someone is or ever was a drug user, how to find a sociopath like myself out of a crowd of people, how to tell if someone is lying etc. Well I too ‘people watch’ and analyze there behavior and after my time in support groups choosing victims I became aware of these behaviors and was able to use that outside of the support groups to find other rape victims to become victims once again. For example your partner here, Agent Morgan if I remember correctly, he would have made a lovely victim with his past and everything. There’s little things about him you see agent that give him away.” He reached up and brushed his thumb over Dereks jawline. “Not so tough now are we.”  
And before I could even rush in their Derek had pushed the man against the window, face red with anger as the Unsub laughed evilly from under him.  
That leads me to where I am now, at the door to the interrogation room as Hotch pulls Morgan off of the unsub.  
The second he is pealed off the man he is all but collapsing into my arms hyperventilating between sobs.  
“Take him home. I’ll finish up here and that’s an order.” Hotch snaps, whether his anger is at Morgan or the unsub its hard to tell but I don’t argue just take Morgan and my satchel and leave for his car.  
As we leave, JJ gives me a concerned look. Like I said, this has happened before but not at this magnitude and never in front of anyone but myself and she clearly is as shocked and as worried as I am.  
We walk to the car but before we get their Morgan has doubled over and is heaving on the sidewalk.  
“Morgan. I am right here. We’ll get you home. You are safe okay.” He nodded and we stand again but don’t quiet make 3 steps before Morgan’s lunch is finally being bought up. And he is crying harder.  
“Its okay, get it out”.  
“Oh god, oh god.” Morgan repeats as he heaves and spits out all the remaining bile until there is nothing left.  
Out the corner of my eye I see Hotch at the door of the building as I open the passenger seat and Morgan on shaky legs into the car where he breaks down crying once again.  
Luckily Morgan didn’t see Hotch something I am sure would have made him more hysterical, as shame is hitting him hard as it is but he does hear my phone buss and looks up, paranoia and fear evident on his face.  
“Hey, its okay, its just Garcia asking me if I wanted to go the movies with her later.” I respond with a blatant lie as I read the text from Hotch saying ‘You and Morgan take as much time off as you need. Look after him okay Reid?’  
I don’t reply back now, it can wait but it is comforting to know Hotch didn’t send us home as a punishment for Morgan’s outburst but as a measure to help him. And after witnessing Morgan panic to the point of vomiting I can only assume with likely certainty that he is concerned and his message seemed to confirm this.  
Morgan is shaking like a leaf in the passenger seat and while i want to consul him right here and now, I know this may go on for hours and its best to do it at home where he is more comfortable and its more private. So I turn on the sirens and speed home, making it to our apartment in minutes, guiding him out and through the door in a rush.  
Once inside he collapses to the floor, his legs giving way and leans against the wall while simultaneously looking through the other one. I have seen this before and know it’s not good and is the beginning of him giving in and letting the memory’s flood back as he relives them in terror in a dissociative state.  
“No, no, no we are not going down that road. You just threw up all over your front so we are going to get you in the shower and we are going to push through this like I know you can.” He doesn’t respond although I didn’t expect him to but he does allow me to guide him to the shower and turn the water on. I carefully remove everything from his pockets before pushing him under slowly so as to not startle him.  
As the water washes over him he seems to gain more control over his thoughts until he is present to the best of his abilities. I am under the water fully clothed and he notice’s this first giving me a weird look before looking down and realizing he to is wearing clothes.  
“What are we cleaning both our clothes and ourselves for? I mean it does save water but there are other ways to cut down on bills.” His statement is witty and sarcastic and I smile at the Derek I know and love shining through this incident.  
“I didn’t want to undress you, in case it made things worse.”  
“Thanks.” He smiles sadly pulling me in for a hug and not letting go.  
“Morgan you are so strong. You are so brave and you are so so loved.”  
He doesn’t reply only starts to sob.  
‘”Make love to me.” He whispers.  
There it is. How I expected this night would end. And I do not argue. I’d take a bullet for this man.  
“Make me feel” he paused trying to find the words.  
“Make me feel loved. Make me feel wanted. Make me feel not used and weak but good and safe. I am tired of feeling dirty Spencer. I am so tired.” Tears were spilling from his eyes as they pleaded for something to replace the memories of the past that still haunted him and on days like today become too much to handle.  
He is loved, wanted and safe. And is not used, abused or dirty. All I needed to do now is prove that to him. And tomorrow he will with out a doubt apologize for doubting my love and his safety. And I will tell him he has nothing to apologize about. Because I understand that some things trigger doubt in his mind and will always be here to kill that doubt and make new memories of consensual caring sex to replace memories of past nonconsensual abusive sex.  
I pull him into a kiss, turn off the water and step out of the shower holding his hand as I pull him into the adjacent bedroom.  
“I love you Derek Morgan” I say as he unbuttons my shirt. I help him with the process of undressing by pulling down my pants and boxers as he finishes with my shirt.  
“Did you want to get undressed yourself?” I ask and he nods.  
“And no-“  
“No touching your ass, I know Derek. Your safe with me.” He seems to relax knowing I remember what he likes and what he doesn’t when he is submissive and vulnerable and removes his clothes with a rush.  
Soon we have made our way to the bed, kissing deeply as his tears become few and far between.  
I pull away. “Can I touch you?” He knows what I mean and nods if slightly hesitantly.  
I start soft, speaking quietly into his ear as I go, reminding him he can tap out at any time, and that he is loved.  
As he grows harder I start to pump faster and let my hands run over his body touching him where I know he likes it and avoiding all the places I have ever seen cause him to flinch.  
I stop and apply a condom, lube it up and prep myself before asking yet again if he is okay to continue.  
He takes a shuddered breath in, hesitating for a second before agreeing and laying back on the bed awaiting me to take over like I haven’t in so long.  
“I want you” There is lust in his eyes this time. “Ride me Spence” He hasn’t used that nick name in so long I was surprise and oddly turned on which I think he could tell as he smirked at me before nodding letting me know he was ready.  
I line myself up and before sliding down hear Morgan mutter almost too quiet to hear.  
“Just don’t change positions Reid, don’t turn away from me for even a second. I need to see you… I need to know it is you Spencer.” You could almost hear my heart breaking in my chest but I keep a brave face on for Morgan’s sake and smile at him reassuringly.  
“I will not take even a single eye off you. As long as I can see you then you can see me. I love you Morgan.”  
And with that I lower myself down on him groaning in pain and then moving around until I finally get used to the discomfort.  
“You okay?” I ask and he cries in response so I go to get off of him but he stops me.  
“Why do you love me when I am like this?” He sobs.  
I move slowly as I think of a response.  
“I try so hard to forget it. I have grown so much since it happened. But even so long after it happened I still let it get to me Reid. I thought I’d gotten closure after arresting him, so why am I so weak I keep letting him get to me. I can’t keep letting him win like this.”  
“Derek Morgan.” I look at him sternly.  
“He can’t win because this is not a game. It never was, but if it were, you’d win every time because you have something he doesn’t. And do you want to know what that is? Humanity. Someone that commits atrocities like him don’t have a single bone of human decency in them and all 206 of your bones are pure and it’s seen in everything you do. You spend your entire life doing what’s best for everyone else you forget who needs to be looked after also and that is yourself.  
You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s our vulnerability’s that make us human and what happened to you was traumatic and I am proud of you every day for living with what that monster did to you. But it’s okay to let it get to you every now again and it’s okay to look after yourself. Because it okay to be human Derek. And I wouldn’t ask for any other human to share this life with then you.”  
He started sobbing once again but with a small grateful smile showing threw all the other emotions overwhelming him at the moment and I new I had gotten through to him.  
Soon our making out got a lot more heated and I began picking up the pace all pain in the past and now pleasure filling my veins like fire until I was seeing white screaming out as I came, followed almost directly after by Morgan groaning and filling me with warmth as I ride out his orgasm.  
Before pulling out I look up into his eyes as he gazes lovingly into mine  
“Derek Morgan you are not weak, used or dirty. You are brave, beautiful and loved.” And this time he looks up at me like he finally believes it again.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if you liked this and if so what you'd like to see next.


End file.
